A Mother’s Guilt
So any mom out there reading this knows exactly what I’m talking about when I mention “Mother’s Guilt”. It’s something I think every mom struggles with and no dad has any idea what we are talking about J. Since Sophie was born I have had guilt over all kinds of things and then once Elijah came along it got that much worse. I deal with the basic stuff like when I find time to spend just with Sophie I feel like Elijah gets the short end of the stick and vice versa. Then there is the bigger stuff…like taking your babies to Haiti.
I remember when we first made the decision to move to Haiti a few people told us “just wait until you have kids of your own…you won’t want to take them there”. I thought that was ridiculous. God had called us to Haiti and this is where we would raise our family. Then I remember the first time we brought Sophie down. I was scared out of my mind. So many things could go wrong: mosquito born illnesses, bad drinking water, would someone try to take her? (extreme I know but this is where your mind goes as a mom here). As excited as I was to bring her down and be with the kids all here as one big happy family, I will be honest, the thought of us staying in America where I could keep her safe from these things was very tempting. And I do mean tempting. Because this is how Satan now attacks me. Through my children and my fears. I know that he would like nothing more than for the Bush family to pack things up and stay in America. I know this is how he attacks…but it is still hard to come up against that.
The days before we came here this go around as I watched Sophie and Elijah play with family members and friends, gave them their warm baths at night, then put them in their non-mosquito net covered cribs in their cool air conditioned rooms, the temptation was high. I felt such guilt over taking them between countries each month. I so wanted to turn to Matt and say “let’s just stay here a little longer”. And then God reminded me Sophie and Elijah are His. He reminded me He’s got this. Then God reminded me there are children here whose lives are being changed because of the work of All Things New. There are fathers and mothers here who can now provide for their families because they have employment through All Things New.
So we packed up our 4 bags full of diapers, formula, bottles, sippy cups, clothes, and everything else we need here. We woke our babies up at 4am and put them on 2 planes followed by a bumpy ride in a truck complete with burning tires blocking the road (for political reasons) and alternate routes because of this. Sophie cried most of the way to our house in Gressier and at that point my guilt was running high. Then we got here. To say Sophie was ecstatic to see our house is putting it mildly. As we scrambled to get things unpacked and set up the house before bedtime, kids and friends stopped in to welcome us home. Elijah played and cooed happily. Sophie ran around the house hugging people. She even oohed and aahhed over her mosquito net around her crib. That’s when once again God reminded me He’s got this. We are right where we are supposed to be. God has blessed me with resilient babies who can handle anything. I’m not saying I won’t still struggle with the guilt. I am a mom after all. But it is a beautiful thing to watch our kids and life here meld with Sophie and Elijah.